IN THE MOMENT OF LONELINESS

Written 9 July 2017 - In the moment of loneliness. I was just going through my computer for something that I'm currently working on and came across this...a journal entry I wrote in a time I felt lonely. So I thought I'd share it now that time has passed and something I rarely feel these days because I answered my own question at the end....I've titled it * IN THE MOMENT OF LONELINESS * Here I sit by the fire on another cold winter's night, feeling lost and lonely. Wondering what to do, so much to do, but can’t be arsed doing anything. Wishing to have someone to talk to, to share how my day was, to ask about their’s, to have my family to come home to, but instead I come home to a quiet and empty house with only me to care for. Right now I don’t know what to do, what to do to entertain myself. There are so many things to do that I could do but I feel empty, no energy. I really thought that at this stage of my life, I’d be happy, content, supported, loved but instead I’m alone. All I want is my family, my kids with me and to work together to raise them. When I was married I found it so hard and lonely at times, not fully supported & loved and I found it hard to fully support and love him too. I thought that when I left I would have the energy and the happiness I needed to get on with life, but I don’t. I don’t want to be in that relationship anymore, I know that, but I just don’t enjoy being alone. I know I have to feel it, ride the wave of loneliness but it’s so hard, it’s hard to stay focused, to move forward. So what do I need to do to get out of this funk, this hole of loneliness. Am I the only one who feels this way? Are there others out there who feel lonely too? I tend to hide my loneliness from people, I try and show that I have my shit together, but in all honesty I don’t. It’s a funny thing to feel lonely. I know there will be many people who are lonely out there, but right now I feel like I’m the only one. Those who live alone all the time like my Nana in her house, or those who have lost their partners not by choice but by life or even those who have so many around them but don’t feel connected in anyway, I know there are others. Why doesn’t life turn out as you had wished for. Why are we still fighting to find peace, company, love, companionship? I don’t just want any relationship to cover the void of loneliness, actually I’m not wanting a relationship at all at the moment, because there are so many things I want to do myself, for myself before committing to someone else again, there are things I want to work through in my own mind before taking on someone else’s mind also, but I’m just waiting for the time when I have the energy back to tackle the things I want to do. People say time will heal and I know it does but this process is no fun, it sucks to be honest, it’s hard, it’s challenging. What to do to open it all up, to dig deep to help mend my lonely soul, what to do, really what to do? Many won’t or don’t understand, many will completely understand, some would have forgotten the feeling now they have moved on. So what can I do to move on...force myself to do the things I need to do because once I do them I will feel much better about myself? Maybe, possibly….I guess I don’t know if I don’t try. Just spoke to my sister Lisa on messenger and she told me to just go with it, let myself feel things. And I know I really need to. So what makes me feel good about me and who I am? Hmmmmm…...that’s a bloody good questions! ********** For those who feel lonely out there, I'm sending you a big virtual hug, please know, you are never alone in this. Much LOVE. Char xx