I HEALED MYSELF OF PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

I healed myself of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) It was something I never thought possible, but it is. Now because of it, I think, what else is possible. Let me take you back a little... A life experience I endure when I was 20 had a huge impact on me in many ways, I thought there was something wrong with me, in my mind, that I was different, that my mind worked differently or thought differently and it's just the way I was now. For many years I experienced anxiety, night terrors that saw me sleep with the light on every night, wake up with fear energy riddled throughout my whole body from top & toe, dripping from sweat and sometimes wondering where I was. It would take a few moments once awake to notice where I was and that I was safe and then some time to calm my body. I would lay there not wanting to close my eyes again in fear of the same thing happening. I'd lay there until my eyes closed on their own. With it also came drinking to numb myself...not every night, but every social outing a drink had to be in hand for comfort. Deep addiction to my work. If I wasn't doing my mum duties I was working or doing both at the same time. Late nights so I didn't have to go to sleep, and then I'd sleep in as long as I could. The next day would see me so shattered I didn't want to get up, I'd drag myself out of bed at the very last minute to then be rushing to get out the door. This went on for years...it didn't happen every night...but at least once, sometimes twice a week...some times less (which was great in my eyes) When I got married, I remember experiencing it still, but I was able to become calmer quicker since I felt safe having someone next to me...and over time I noticed they disappeared altogether, because I felt protected you could say. I remember thinking after I hadn't experienced a night terror for a good while, that finally it was over and done. During this time, I had no idea that what I was living with was called PTSD. Not too long after my marriage ended 4 years ago, BOOM...I was hit with a night terror once again. I couldn't believe it. Why was it happening again. Each time I'd experience yet another one, I'd reach for my phone and tune into facebook to feel some what connected to people, connected to something, anything, to take my mind off the feeling of it all. The feeling of fear during those nights is so intense it feels like you're re-living the same experience...well I was while I slept. I didn't want to go back there again, I didn't want to feel those feelings again. So it was at that point I knew I had to do something about it. I had no idea really what, but after working on myself for some time, I already had some tools you could say up my sleeve - so I went to work. Not knowing the hole I was about to go down. I did some research, which is when I was able to name the ugly monster that was hanging over me and realised how common it actually is. I didn't seek professional support, I already had support from my family around me from my marriage break up. I never spoke to my family about it, about PTSD, in some way, I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted it gone. It's easier to talk about the really common life things that happen in life, but this, this was different. Not only was I dealing with the grief of my marriage ending, I was now also really facing up to my past. It took me to a place of anger with a few people...so I brought a boxing bag. It took me to a place of deep, belly crying...to which my mum would be there to watch my kids. It took me to a place of not being able to handle extra stuff...that saw me say I can't handle anymore to my Dad on the phone one night. It took me to a place of overthinking...which saw me write it all out to make sense of it all. It took me to a place of being triggered easily by others...which showed me where truth lived. It took me to a place of not wanting to do another day...speaking this to my mum but also reassuring her that I knew in my heart I wouldn't do anything, it was just how I felt at the time. It took me to a place of drinking more, every second weekend when I didnt have the kids, I would numb myself for a bit. During this time, on the outside it looked like I was functioning. I know I actually over compensated at times at how good things were just to get through. But inside, I was pulling everything to pieces so I could rebuild it all again. I had to let go of shame & guilt I had to forgive myself and another on a whole other level I had to face my past I had to speak to my past I wrote, I boxed, I cried, I screamed, I unleashed it all you could say. Slowly but surely the night terrors got fewer and far between. I have not experienced one for nearly two years now...and I can sleep with all lights off in the house...which is soooo good. My drinking died down massively, I no longer hold alcohol in my house, by choice yes, but I don't need it now. I still have a drink every now and then sure, but I also have a boundary around it too where that if I'm having a down day, I don't have a drink in those moments. I only ever have a drink if I'm in a good mood, that way I'm not using it to make me happy anymore. I still work haha, I love my work, I enjoy my work, I enjoy the people who I work with, But I now mix it up with a whole lotta space and fun in between. It all feels more balanced, aligned, whatever ya wanna call it. Life for me is less serious and more living...which brings me to netball, dance, friends, kids, music, laughing. I no longer get sick...I haven't been sick (touch wood) for two years or more now. I've gained good boundaries, I've learnt to sooth and comfort myself when I need it, I don't care what others really think of me now, because what others think of me is none of my business 

And I'm now free to be me in every way I choose to be. You see, healing for me and what I believe to be true, is that if you want to really shift things in life for you, for what could be going on for you, getting to the root cause of it all, getting to the nitty gritty, allowing it to get all messed up, throw it all up in the air, is going to bring you the best healing of all. I believe for all that we don't really deal to, will come back and chew on your ear until you listen or just give you a swift kick up the butt in some big way along the line. Focusing only on the positives of life, finding the joy and coming from love, will only get you so far I believe. It's important to mix all that good stuff in with all the messy stuff. At some point ya gotta go all in, to come all out. It isn't, it wasn't, an easy feat that's for sure - but standing where I am now, it was well worth it for how I feel and experience life today....I'm only half way through life....and I'm ready to make the most of last half.