My Marriage Break-Up - One year on

I always believed that I would marry and that would be that. I was married for life, til death do we part as they say. When I was a wedding photographer, I knew I wanted to get married and couldn’t wait to meet the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Little did I know, my marriage would only last a short 5 years.

I’m not here to speak about what happened - that's not just my story, it also belongs to my ex-husband. I’m here to share what the last year has been like for me, the stages, what I’ve learnt and where I’m at now.

Deciding to walk away from my marriage was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I was scared of being alone again, I was scared of being a solo mum again and I wondered if I had the strength to cope with everything that comes with life, family & business on my own.

At the time I was fitter than I had been in many years, I was going to bootcamp, running and eating better but I was constantly getting sick and I knew from the past, my body is the first place to show signs that I need to change in some way.

At the very beginning, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but at the same time I tried to ignore the effect it had on me, so I threw myself deep into work and my kids. I went numb, I pushed it all down and put on a front that all was well.

Then one day - it was like someone smacked me in the face with a bat and I broke down like I had just lost someone close to me. I cried non-stop for 3 days, my Mum had to come in and help me with my kids and I FELT everything that I’d been ignoring for the past few months. I was sad for the loss of my marriage (even though I still knew it was the right thing) I was sad for my kids, I was sad that I may not see my friends we had together as much. I wondered why me, I wondered if anyone would want me now with 4 kids to two different men, I wondered if I would be alone for the rest of my life…. Oh I wondered a lot during those days.

After a shit load of crying quietly and like a whale, puffy faced and tired, I couldn’t cry any more, I had finally run out of tears. I had very little energy and was only doing the bare minimum each day. I went through a stage where I couldn’t wait til it was night time, so I could put the kids to bed and sleep. I dreaded another day where I had to pull myself together and get on with things. I stopped looking after myself. I stopped exercising and I enjoyed a little more Appletons & cokes and comfort food than I’d like to admit. I didn't talk to anyone really about how I was feeling. I closed myself off and just dealt with it. My family always knew though, they could tell by my voice, so they just kept checking in with me and listened whenever I needed to voice things.

Around the same time, I also wanted to give up on my business. I told those close to me that I was going to stop, I had no energy to do it all. I felt I needed to let something go and that was the only thing I could think of.

Over the next three weeks I gave myself a break from social media, I started to finish off the work I had too, I concentrated on the kids even more and just let go of trying to do everything. After giving myself that time, I could feel my energy coming back, I started to miss my work, I started thinking straight again… and yes this was only after 3 weeks of downtime. Funny things is, when I went back to everyone I spoke to about giving up, to say, I can’t give up - they all said things like, “I knew you wouldn’t”, “you never give up”, “of course you weren’t going to give up, you just needed space”

After this stage, came other stages. I became angry. Angry at myself, angry at my ex, angry at my situation. When I got through that, I then became lonely. When my kids stayed with their Dad, I was lost, I felt like I had no purpose during those days. I’m so use to being busy and filling my time around my kids. I remember one night asking Mr Google ‘What to do when you’re lonely” - the funny things you do when you don’t feel like yourself. All that came up were, start a new hobby, visit friends, get a pet, go on a holiday…. But I knew that wasn’t what I needed, I didn’t need to do more things, What I needed to do was not ignore my feelings, stop trying to fix it or cover it up. So for the next wee while, whenever I felt lonely, I acknowledge it, I felt every feeling that came up and I just waited it out...until I no longer felt it anymore.

There were a lot of stages I had to go through and really allow myself to feel. Some said it could take 2 years, some said longer. But I think it is different for each person.

Now, one year on, I’m at a stage of acceptance. I accept what has happened, I accept my situation & I accept I’m where I’m meant to be. I believe everything happens for a reason and that there are lessons in every experience in life. I’m excited for the future for myself, my kids and for my business. Life is different - it will never be the same again. I’m learning more and more about myself than I ever have done before. I’m finding new ways to do things, to get things done, to look after myself. I’m content with being on my own, I’m content with parenting on my own. My kids are happy and that’s the most important thing. They get to spend time with me, with their Dad & all together at times, because they deserve that. I still believe in love & I still believe in marriage, It’s just I had to go through this, to learn a few more things about myself & a partnership.

There are still days I want to scream, but hey that’s just life. With the good comes with bad, with the bad comes the good. I have great support from my family & friends, which has helped me through it all.

Life doesn’t always turn out how you dreamed it would, But it’s what you make of it that matters.

This post was written not for sympathy or to lift me up in anyway. There are many out there with stories of grief that I can only imagine the journey they are on. It was written to those who may be going through something similar, To know that, if you allow yourself to feel the pain through each stage that you will make it through. And that there is something better waiting for you on the other side. Be kind to yourself during this time & give yourself space to learn & grow from the experience.

Char xx