YOU CAN RUN IF YOU WANT, BUT....

There were many times I just wanted to run, Run away from my life for a bit to just be by myself, to be able to figure things out for myself, To get away from people so I could heal, grow without any distractions, hard conversations, throw backs from others. I wanted so much to be a different person to who I was, Yet I found it so challenging at times to grow while being around those who knew me as I was. The idea of jumping countries seemed appealing to me, so I could grow into the person I dreamed of being. I actually nearly did, I planned to move to Melbourne at one stage, with my daughter Summa. A friend and I went for a holiday to check it all out, to find work, to find a area for us to live, But while over there, it didn't feel right, I wasn't settled inside with the idea of it all. It was me just wanting to run. There were two other occasions where you could say I did run. But on reflection, it is just where I needed to go for certain reasons. I moved from Dargaville to Palmerston North with my daughter, for a fresh start yes, But more so to study the best photography only course in New Zealand. We then moved from Palmy to Tauranga, for another fresh start after finishing my study, But more so because my daughter was starting school and when we visited Tauranga it grabbed hold of my heart. They were both fresh starts yes, but it wasn't me running, they were simply for better opportunities in schooling & work. However the more time went on, The more I wanted to grow, The more I could feel me wanting to run, To make it a little easier on myself. However something held me here, To do the work where I was, With all those who were around me, With all of those who did know me. For most, family is probably the most challenging to change in front of. They have known you forever. And at times this has been the challenging part for me too. I'm lucky, I have one of the most supportive families, always have had, they have always been there for me. So what has been most challenging for me, is when I have changed my belief around things, There have been times I've felt triggered, I've felt uncomfortable sharing the new me or my thoughts, I've had to learn to use my voice, I've had to have uncomfortable conversations and had to put my hand up to a conversations that didn't serve me, simply because I was re-wiring a part of me and changing my way of thinking. I now know, what held me here. Family is everything to me. I'm a home body. I love the fact that I can see anyone of my family by jumping in the car and seeing them that same day. I know that if I ran, and I couldn't be near my family in the times that are most needed, that would hurt me more than anything. Everyone is different, for many, travel, to live away feeds their soul - and I love that. This simply is just what I know is true for me. So doing the work, healing, growing into the person I wanted to be, For me....needed to be done with all those I know and love around me. There have been times where I didn't give a shit, Where I've been too opinionated and my ego was in the drivers seat, Where I've thought I knew better than others, Where I've had to apologise, Where I've felt I've had to explain myself, prove myself, Where I didn't show up or do something when I said I would, It has meant, there are times we've had to re-calibrate, adjust to the new person that evolves. Some take it better than others. Some have to deal with it more than others. But the best part is, those who I care for, reflect back to me the areas in which I get to work on, strengthen. Where I get tested, is where I get to learn from, get to grow from, and get to choose a different outcome. Those who I care for are my teachers in many areas of my life. If you run from those who you know you love and care for, Yet who may trigger you at times, Who you may have differing ideas, beliefs, ways of being & doing, You may find you will move faster in getting to know you, yourself on a damn good level, However, it will take you longer to accept their ways of being, their beliefs, their ideas You may find, if you run...it could become harder and harder to be around them over time. If you decide for yourself, to grow, no matter the environment, no matter the situation It may take you a little longer sure, But I believe you will become more of who you truly wish to be, not just on a good level, but on the deepest level. And in turn, you get to show up for you and them more and with love & ease.